Fear Be Damned!

The death of one thing usually heralds the birth of the next phase of our lives.  Lately there have been some pretty big ‘deaths’ or transitions I have been going through.  Both in my work and in my personal life there are transformations afoot and it’s terribly exciting and scary at the same time.

It’s funny how the insecurities I felt as a child and teenager as my life flipped and turned over are still the same feelings I feel is my late 30′s.  It surprises me to feel like a 10-year-old some times, but I guess being scared is the same at any age.  Am I making the best choices for myself?  Will the path I have chosen to walk lead me to where I really want to be?  Am I being the best version of myself?  What’s different about where I am now in my life, is it’s not all about me any more.  Every decision I am make is reflected in my family and how it will impact them.  I am one part of a larger whole and I have to take others feelings and wants into consideration.  Again, I am reminded how easy my parents made this adult thing look and how little their fears, worries and concerns impacted me.  I will step off the ledge, knowing the ground is secure beneath me and I will trust in myself and my abilities that the decision to move is the best thing for me and for the ones I love.  I will trust that I have what it takes to make this a huge success.  Fear be damned!

On Guilt and Being Not A Great Wife (for today)

My husband is lying in bed beside me and I feel guilty because I haven’t been the nicest wife today.  I have been short-tempered and sharp with my words.  It seems all my patients has been used on smaller, younger residents of our hearts and home.  And he is curled up tightly in a quilt and I feel very bad.  He is sick enough that I don’t dare cuddle into him.  He is hurting from his toes to his hair and he just needs his rest.

I will add that to the never-ending pile of guilt that I have accumulated over the years as daughter, wife, mother and friend.  We all have a pile.  Some of us try to ignore it and some of us feel like we are drowning in at times.  I keep mine tucked away in large room in my mind that I visit far too often – usually when I am driving too and from work each day.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to be more loving.  To show him just how awesome I think he is and how lucky I am to be married to him.  To show him that I appreciate all that he does for me.  Tomorrow I will not be sharp with my words and hard with my eyes.  I will love him better than I did today.

 

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