There are some days where I feel very proud of myself.  I feel accomplished as a parent and as a woman.  It isn’t like this every day, but when these days run from one to another, I feel bliss.

More and more often I look at my kids and realise that I must be doing something right.  Now, please let me just say, that what is right for me and for my family isn’t ‘right’, but right just for us.  I didn’t always feel this way.  I used to wonder if I would ever be able to enjoy a meal in a restaurant, one without and indoor play area that is.  I used to dream about days where I wouldn’t break into a sweat just trying to get out the door.  There were days where I would look at my children and wonder if the things I was doing as a parent would screw them up so badly they would end up being horrible little girls.  I have doubted myself and my ability to parent so much in the past that I would lay awake at night worrying alot of the time.  But things are coming alright now and I can definitely see the light at the end of our tunnel.

I certainly don’t think I am perfect as a parent.  I do however, feel like I have earned my scars and badges in the trenches of motherhood.  I can diagnos alot of rashes and can tell the difference between a whiney cry and a scared cry.  I can whip up a meal in a minute and I have a whole list of crafts sorted in my brain to pull out on a whim.  With one look I can silence my child (most of the time) and if the look doesn’t work, counting to three will definitely do the trick.  My children don’t like me after I say ‘three’ and will do just about anything to avoid that word.  I can read my kids very well and am not too surprised at their reactions to situations we find ourselves in.  I am not afraid of my children and I am not afraid of taking them out and about in the adult world.  Not that I always enjoy those times, or they are always easy.  But, we manage and mostly we succeed.

I feel comfortable in my role as mother.  It has been a long time coming too.  Emma is over four now and Hannah will be three in a month.  I don’t really have babies anymore.  Now, they are little girls.  I have friends just having babies and it seems like so long ago.  Really, a handful of years isn’t alot of time, but in the world of mother it is a lifetime.  So many things have changed in our lives.  I am certainly not the same woman I was before children.  In fact, I didn’t consider myself a woman then.  I was more a young married girl, playing and being selfish.  I remember who I was, but I don’t relate to her much at all.

Today, I know who I am, and who I am not.  I am good with me.  Of course, I have dreams yet to tackle, as well as laundry, but those will happen in their own time.  For now, I am going to love my children and keep honing my skills as mother.  Hear me roar…or count to three!

 

Life ebbs and flows alot.  Some times are great, some are really horrible.  This past week has been part of the horrible.  I have shared alot of my ups and down with ppd, child raising and the like.  I have shared the good times with my spouse, but never really the bad.  Oh, and we have bad.  I think all marriages do.  If you don’t admit it, you are lying to yourself.

I think I have come to the conclusion that most marriages function the same.  At least, my experiences with my friends and the people I meet seem to have similar relationships.  My biggest bitch with my spouse revolves around our laundry baskets and his inability to use them.  Apparently, I am not the only wife out there who bitches about this.  Just knowing that I am not the only wife out there who feels like this helps.

This past week has been particularly difficult for us.  Of course, problems build up and build up and we find ourselves projectile vomiting transgressions past and not really getting to the issues at hand.  This week saw the first time in 7 + years of marriage and almost 10 years of being together, one of us sleeping in another bed…happily.  It was only one night and things are better, but still, it was frightening.

I think I forgot for a second just how hard marriage is and that I needed to actually work at it to make it healthy and well.  I think my life picked up here in this little village and I got lazy in my marriage.  I am not the only guilty party here, it takes two to tango so they say. 

I have no idea how to fix the problems in any marriage, let alone mine.  I know that our problems aren’t unique.  I know most marriages struggle to make it.  I also know that I want mine to work more than anything.  I think for a bit I forgot that I wanted my marriage to work as well as my family to stay together.  Those two things are separate.  I think I was spending too much time on the ‘family’ and not enough time on the ‘marriage’.  I getting myself in order. 

This is just one more challenge I can add to my list.   Right at the top though.  Teaching to tie shoe laces and knitting lessons certainly come after this one!

When we moved from BC to Alberta, I hated it here.  I loathed the people, our small town, my work, our apartment, but mostly, the weather.  It took me two years to find the smallest thing even remotely beautiful about living in Alberta.

When we moved from Edmonton the village, I hated it here.  I was afraid of the people, the village size, my lack of work, but mostly, the isolation.  It has taken me two years to find my groove out here in the country.

I think two years must be ‘my thing’.  Once I could see the beauty of Alberta, I started to see it everywhere.  I fell head over heals in love with our province and the area we live in.  The past couple of months I have started to really feel the love out here in the country and now, I feel fabulous about where and how we live. 

The biggest change for me out here is the development of a nice group of friends.  I have an established network of other living, breathing people whom I can reach out to any time of the day and know that they are their for me.  I didn’t realise how important this was to me until I didn’t have it.  I left great friends behind in the city.  We still talk and see each other when we can, but distance makes it challenging some times.  Having friends within spitting distance is wonderful.  I am starting to feel at home here, really at home here, and can see us happily living here for many, many years to come…you know…if that Comox thing doesn’t pan out!

Turkey day today for our house.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in Canada and I have alot to be thankful about.

1. Steve.  It has been a rough go for us this past year.  Things have been up and down financially and that puts alot of strain and stress on a relationship.  There was a time that I thought I might take off and run screaming into the night.  I am glad I didn’t though.  Hanging on tightly was the best thing I have done so far.  Having a husband who stays strong and steady by my side is a joy and a blessing.

2. Emma.  There are countless reasons for me to be thankful for Emma.  The biggest one though is, how she changed my life with her first breath.  I stated it the day she was born and I feel the same today…having Emma was like finding the secret to my life.  I was complete when she was born.  I fell hopelessly, madly, deeply in love with her in a moment.

3. Hannah.  She is my gift in this life time.  If she didn’t magically sneak her way into our lives, I don’t know if we would have tried for another baby.  It took me a long time to realise just how magical this little daughter of mine is.  She is so generous with her love, she fills me up when I am low and holds my hand when I need steadying.  She is my angel.

4.  Our house.  Not everyone has a home of their own to fall into each day.  I am blessed to have a beautiful place to cook food for my family, cuddle with my children at night, and curl up with Steve when the house is quiet.  I can grow my veggies, and play with my children in the back yard.  I can park my van where it is warm.  I can sit on my front stairs and chat with my neighbours.  Our house is our rock.  It is safe and warm and holds all our dreams tightly.

5.  Me.  Liking myself has been sort of like riding a rollercoaster.  I love the thrill of it, but sometimes those bumps and dips make me sick.  I think there will always be moments of myself that I am not proud of.  Things I wish I hadn’t said or done.  But, in general, I like me.  I feel grounded in my faith.  I feel loved by friends.  I feel confident, secure and honoured in my parenting role.  I feel blessed to be loved by my husband and thrilled to be able to love him back.

It may not be your Thanksgiving holiday, but it is always a good time to count your blessings. Take the time to take stock of the things in your life that matter most to you.  Maybe even let those people know just how special they are to you. 

Today I will share our home and our table with friends and family.  We will sit down to turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings.  Pie and wine and good times will be had by all.  There will be many missing from our table but not from our minds or hearts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Could you fathom being a stay at home mom?  Can you wrap your head around the idea of being at the beck and call of tiny dictators who toss tantrums and crumbs all over your clean house numerous times a day?  For some women, the idea of stay home to raise their children makes their skin crawl.  The idea of needing more in their lives to fill them, make them whole, excite them is where they are at. 

There are days when I think, ‘how did I end up here’?  Times that I wish I were back in the working world, socializing with peers, challenging my mind in ways long gone.  There was recently a two year period where I missed the social aspect of my work  becausse I was unsettled in my own village life. 

I ‘ended up’ here by choice.  Actually, when I was a young girl growing up my answer to the famous, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ question was always the same….a mom!  I always knew I wanted two children.  I always knew that I wanted to be home with them while they were little.  I had always had the idea that I would return to working outside the home when they were in school full time. 

I am thankful that my husband works hard and earns enough to offer me the gift of staying home to raise our children.  Not every women has this option.  However, I am going to put it out there though, that more women could stay home to raise their children if they honestly looked at their money and made some changes. Thanks to my grandmother and mother I was fortunate enough to grow up in a world where it was the expectation that I finish high school and university.  It was expected that I travel and live on my own and experience all the world has to offer.  It was expected that I take my time, date men, figure out who and what I wanted in a spouse.  It was expected that I might not marry, but might still have a family and live in a less traditional way.  It was expected that I would have children and return to work.  Being equal to my partner.  Sharing the role of breadwinner for our family.  I have not lived up to these expectations.

Thankfully, I finished high school and most of my university degree.  Honestly, I have dated two men, one of them I married.  I wanted to get married, and did, at 25.  Which today, seems kind of young.  I had my children before I was 30 and happily danced out of the work force and into the arms of my babies.  I gave up my paycheck, my growing bank account, my own personal income source, my daily freedoms to space and privacy and solitude.  To alot of women, I am sure I gave up dignity and independence too.  Thankfully, I am not alot of women.

I think that staying home to raise children is less about filling a womans’ needs and desires and is more about filling a families bank accounts at the end of the month (this being for two parent families, not single parent families).  I think that as a society, we are pulled in the direction of up, bigger, better and more.  We replace cars and tv’s, computers and cell phones constantly.  We consume and consume and we are frantic in our consumption.   It costs money to consume so much though.  And someone, must be out there, making this money so that the consuming can continue.  What ever happened to just being?  Just being happy with your home.  Happy with your car.  Happy with your clothes, your cell phone, your computer, your tv, your life.  When did it become undesirable to not want? 

If we stop consuming and just be, don’t we have enough?  Who says we need more?  And, why are we listening?  By me, taking a step back and out of the work force and out of the bracket of earning and income, our family had to make some changes in how we viewed and valued our lives.  Of course we wanted a new car.  Who doesn’t?  We don’t need one though.  We would love new furniture.  Ours is only a handful of years old though.  We don’t need it and  it has many more years of life in it.  We want new clothes to keep up with the latest fashions.  But, we don’t need them all of the time.  The biggest want we had as parents though, was to be with our children.  More than a new car, or a new home or constantly buying new clothes and gadgets, we wanted to raise our children all on our own.  We wanted to watch them walk their first steps.  We wanted to share our meals them.  We wanted to comfort them when they are sick, scared and lonely.  We wanted to be the ones to teach them to count and sing songs and learn their ABC”s.  We wanted to teach them how to use the bathroom, how to brush their teeth and how to get dressed in the morning.  We wanted to be the ones who walk them to playschool and pick them up.  To share in their day.  To celebrate their accomplishments every day with them.   More than their providers, we wanted to be their parents.

To those women you can’t imagine living my life, I say, okay.  I sit on the other side of the fence.  I can’t imagine my life not with my children.  I can’t imagine a life of day care and the frenetic pace between work and home and life.  In my heart and head, the life of the working out side of the home mother is much more challenging than the life of the working inside the home mother. I know just how hard it is to balance the needs of my children with the needs of our house our marriage and myself.  I can’t imagine adding in the needs of an employer as well as the constant desire to be with my child into that mix.   Our differences are okay and both of our choices are right, for us.  Being at home to raise your children is a worthwhile job.  It is valuable and oh so important.  As my daughters grow up and into women all their own, I want them to know that they have every choice open to them too.  I want them to work hard and lives their dreams.  If their dream is like mine, to raise a family, I hope that they do so, even if it means bucking convention and seeming old fashioned.

I am married.  My parents were married.  My mother in law, never was.  Steve was married before he and I were married.  There are options out there for every individual.  I got married because I believe in the concept of staying together, bonded, as a unit until separated by death.  I grew up in a home where marriage was a celebration and a joy to watch.  I wanted this for myself too.   Many people grow up in homes like myself, and yet, never want to marry.  Many grow up in homes like my husbands, with no example of marriage, and go on to have sucessful marriages of  their own.

When I got married, my dad told me that I would have to work harder at my marriage than anything else.  That my marriage was a job and I shouldn’t take it lightly.  He said there would be days, weeks, months even, that I might want to run.  But if I stuck it out and worked hard at it, my marriage would be worth it.  My dad was right.  On everything.

I have friends who aren’t married, but who are in relationships as solid as a marriage.  I have friends who are serial daters.  Who can’t imagine committing to one person until death!  I have friends who are married and who struggle and who love all the same.  It really doesn’t matter to me how you choose to live your life.  Married, common law or single.  I am just happy that you are living it.

For me, marriage was a no brainer.  It was also very simple for me to give up my maiden name, Tipper and take Steve’s last name, Watson.  I had always wanted a family, a husband and children, and all of us having the same last name.  No other thoughts every entered my mind.  Steve and I lived together before we were married.  It was good for us.  It isn’t that way for everyone.  I have been with Steve since July 1999.  We have been living together since December 1999.  We were engaged in February 2000.  We were married in June 2002.  We dated.  We lived.  We married.  We lived.  We planned children.  We lived.  We had babies.  We live.  I am very traditional in many, many ways.  It works for me.  Not for everyone.

I was having a discussion today with a friend about common law relationships.  Both my friend and I are married.  She was sharing a situation a friend of hers in, in a common law relationship.  My friend was reconfirming to me, how safer it is to be married.  We talked, we shared.  It got me thinking.  Are we really safer in our relationships if we are married?  According to this article, we are.  If we are married, we are more protected when it comes to division of property, spousal support and maintenance.  I didn’t get married to cover my ass though.  I got married because I love Steve and he is the only person I ever want to be with for the rest of our lives together.  This article says something about this too.  It alluded to common law relationships (and relationships after divorce) being less secure because people aren’t committed or are ”more willing to dissolve unsatisfactory relationships, rather than remain in them unhappily”.  Is it true that by remaining unmarried, uncommitted, we are just looking for that elusive escape hatch when things get rocky and rough?

Maybe this is true.  There is a difference between a renter and an owner.  An owner takes more care, is more invested, holds steady.  A renter dings walls, stains carpets and walks away not worrying about their damage deposit.  We all know the house on the street that is a rental unit.  It is the one with the lawn too long.  Is it the same with relationships?  I don’t know.  I have never been anything but married.

If Steve were to pass on and leave me alone.  I think I would still be up for marriage.  I am the marrying kind.  I know that about myself.  It isn’t about the dress, the party and the presents.  It is about the feeling I have when I have a husband, a family, a shared goal and  a shared last name.  We are a team.  We belong together.  Until death do us part. 

are more willing to dissolve unsatisfactory relationships, rather than remain in them unhappily

Read more: http://family.jrank.org/pages/190/Canada-Cohabitation-versus-Marriage.html#ixzz0TBveehSL

For Emma’s birthday (4) this year, we decided that she was old enough to get her ears pierced.  I know alot of parents would think their child wouldn’t be ready.  I think something like this should be based on the child in question. 

Over the summer I did my research and found a nice, reputable place that would take a four year old in.  I made sure when I booked the appointment that there would be 2 people there to pierce her ears at the same time.  I have seen more than one child walking around with 1 earing in.  I can only assume that after that gun went off the first time there was no way they were going to sit there for a second round.  We also talked about this with Emma for a few weeks.  This present wasn’t a surprise for her.  Actually, she was the one who brought up wanting earings back in the Spring.  We talked about the process and that it might hurt or sting for a minute, but it wouldn’t be all that bad.  I was 8 when I got my ears pierced and I had it the old fashioned way…one ear at a time.

I was nervous of course, and I think Emma was too.  

Emma was a star though.  She sat patiently while the ladies drew the little felt dots on her ears.  She sat still while they pulled out their guns and pierced her ears.  She never made a peep.  She smiled through the whole process.  Not a tear was shed.  No scene was made.  All she asked for was a mirror to see her new earings!

The whole thing took less than 15 minutes.  She has had her earings in now for a couple of weeks and things are great.  She takes care of them herself.  She turns them a few times a day.  She is looking forward to having some new dangle earings for Christmas to wear with her pretty party dress.

My little four year baby has grown up into a very big girl.

Emma:  Wow Mommy…your bum is very, very, very big,  My bum is very, very, very small.  I love you Mommy.

Me:  Ahhhh, thanks Emma. (internally I am cringing and vowing to stop walking around my house with no clothes on ).

September is gone.  The tree in my front yard hasn’t even turned colour yet and she is shedding her leaves in a constant rain.  There was frost on cars yesterday.  The roofs of the houses on our street were white this morning.  Fall is definitely here.  Welcome.

Since July I have felt things within my head changing.  And no, I am not worried, and neither should you be.  Honestly, I have just been busy with life. So much so, that getting downstairs to write and share seems harder each and every day.  Lots of nights when I flop into bed I have a zillion ways to start a great blog.  I roll over and sleep on it.  Morning comes, and I am up and at ‘em, busy with the girls and the house and the bus driving and the playschool and the arts and crafts.  Some how, the computer, who was once my dearest confident as become a fair-weather friend whom I feel I am letting down.  I guess I haven’t been feeling the need to pour out my soul and bear it all on the blog so much anymore.  I don’t really know why that is either.  I am still an oppionated and annoying person.  That hasn’t changed.  I still have no problem sharing every little detail with every person I know.  I think it must be the time factor though.  I just seem to be loosing time and am not too sure where to look for it.

I can tell you that this September has been a whirlwind of activity.  Firstly, I gave up a paid child minding gig which was frightening.  I gave this up to drive school bus as much as I can.  I am still not on full time, but I seem to be getting very regular spare driving.  Enough so that I am busy alot of the week.

Emma started back to her second year of playschool.  I have also started my role as playschool secretary.  This is more work than I had originally thought it would be.  But, I really love it.  It has also opened up doors to new friends in my oh so tiny village.

Emma started her dance classes this month.  She is taking a combined tap/jazz/ballet class.  I think her and I love it equally.  I cried.  There was something oh so bitter sweet about taking my own daughter to her first class.   My mom was with me in spirit.

My oldest brother has moved back from Winnipeg.  His family has yet to join him, but they are on their way to making their home in my back yard.  I can’t begin to share with you how happy this makes me.  My brother, whom I have loved very much, hasn’t always had the best relationship with my dad, our other brother or myself over the years.  My feelings for him over the years have been up and down and all around.  Last night though was the most fun with him I have had in years.  It was just him and I and a whole lot of endless shrimp.  My brother is 50, so for him and I to have a relationship, it takes work, love and understaning….just like everyone else.

Hannah still just hangs out with me, and that is the way I like it.  She still talks all of the time and sometimes my head feels like it will explode if she won’t be quiet.  Her and I spend time at the library for story time and we make sure we make it to playgroup every week we can.  This summer she will be old enough for baseball and next fall she will dance and go to playschool too.  The time will fly, I know.  I just keep loosing time.

Last night I dreamed we had another baby.  Not just another baby….a baby I actually carried and delivered….in my dream.  It was pretty intense.  I must have eaten way too many shrimp last night because in my dream my delivery was just as intense as my real two were.  It was a boy this time.  Brown hair and brown eyes…don’t know where those eyes came from though.

Too much shrimp and not enough time.  This is what fall has been like for me so far.  I am sure you have heard the saying….a clean house is the sign of a sick mind….well maybe it works like that for me too….less blogging means I am healthier and happier and moving on.  Of course, I am sure there will be more days ahead where my fingers will want to fly across the keyboard and my secretes will pour out.  Could be tomorrow!

I picked up the book Indigo Children from our library last week.  Since Emma was a tiny toddler I have found her to be challenging and amazing all at the same time.  I had heard the term ‘indigo child used before, even about Emma.  But, I really didn’t know what that was or what that could mean for me as a parent. 

I am almost finished reading my book and with each page I have turned I have become more and more a believer.  If you haven’t read the book or heard the term indigo child, and you are a parent, I highly recommend you take a read.  There are so many characteristics of an indigo child in my Emma that it is very hard for me to deny.  The best part of reading this book was helping me realise that alot of the frustrations I have felt in disciplining Emma are normal.  Emma is a sharp little girl.  She has always seemed more adult like in her reasoning.  She is stubborn and wilful and it has been so hard.  In the past I was fighting to bend her will to mine – and really, who wants that.  Through trial and error I have come to way with Emma that really works for both her and I…and the book has echoed my own struggles and remedies.

The more I have read and learned, the more I think that maybe I was alot like Emma.  Maybe this is why initially her and I were butting heads.  Maybe this is why it was easier for us to come to term too though.  I used to be afraid of Emma.  Afraid I would say the wrong thing or look at her the wrong way and she would be set off.  Now, I am confident that even if I do something to upset her, I have a whole bag of goodies to help calm her down (and me too).  I am not afraid any more.

How about you?  Are you raising an Indigo Child?