Ohm……..

Yesterday I turned off my phone and radio.  My children were ‘resting’ while watching a movie and so I thought I would take a moment or two to meditate.  I manged to set the timer for 10 minutes.  I am not a meditator so I wasn’t too sure how long I could sit still for and attempt to focus my mind.  I manged to get almost 8 minutes in before my children stopped ’resting’ and required my intervention.  It was a success!  And it felt wonderful.

I would like to be able to work it so I am able to meditate a couple of times a day.  For how long, I don’t know.  I don’t have any idea how long I will be able to go with having little ones.  I do know that yesterday I felt great.  I had a lightness to me that seemed to grow as the day went on. I know that today I was looking forward to doing it again.  In a week or next month I can’t imagine how my meditating will be, or not, but my intention is to keep focusing my mind to a quieter place.

No Beauty Winner

I was never a beauty.  At least, I have never considered myself beautiful.  It didn’t matter that every time my grandpa saw he me would hug me and whisper in my ear how gorgeous I was.  It didn’t matter that my parents and family thought I was pretty.  I was never going to believe them.  What the outside world said to me was far too loud. It was the outside worlds voice I heard and their words I made my own.  If there is one little silver lining in this, it is that I never really put much stock on beauty in the first place.  Because I knew I was never going to be the winner in a beauty contest I put my focus on other areas of my life that I could be the best at.  Quickly and blessedly learning that beauty was only in the eye of the beholder.  Instead of beautiful I became a quick thinker and fast talker.  I spent my time reading and learning and developing opinions.  I became me.  And because I never valued my beauty over my brains I was lucky to not become a wall flower at school.  I wasn’t one to quietly fade into obscurity and never be noticed.  I was fortunate to find a boy who liked me just the way I was and who told me over and over again how beautiful I was.  Too bad I wasn’t able to really ever believe him.

Now in my mid thirties I am still less inclined to hang my hat on my looks.  I am more concerned with the content of my character than the wrinkles or pores of my face or the width of my hips.  But, I am raising young women.  Although they are only six and five a distinction has already been made between the ‘cute’ one and the ‘beautiful’ one.  I cringe just typing that.  And this distinction makes me uncomfortable.  And leaves me wondering how I can raise my daughters to be women who hold less value in their looks than in their abilities?

Like my own parents, both my daughters are stunning in my eyes.  I could never see them less. I know the same is true for my husband Steve.  But I worry our voices will be lost to the louder voice of the outside world.  I worry what sort of story and belief my daughters will come up with about themselves from listening to the outside world.  I have no game plan or battle moves on how to fight the image war looming ahead with my daughters.  I don’t know if turning off the tv more and looking at social media less is what we will do.  I just know that I never want my children to feel their worth is tied to how they look in this life.  It doesn’t matter if the outside world agrees with me and tells them how gorgeous they are.  The content of their character is more valuable than the looks of their faces and the shapes of their bodies.

Inner Peace with Outer Tidy

I don’t know about you, but I feel better when my home is tidy.  Or at least tidy, to my standards.  And let me just point out that there are people in my life who have way higher standards than myself. But, that’s another story.  I find happiness inside when my outside world is a little more pulled together.  My husband Steve however, does not have the same compulsion for order as I. And this, for more than a decade has been a bone of contention between the two of us.

In my mind it’s a simply a matter of what you know.  My husband comes from a family of hoarders.  They certainly wouldn’t make the tv show or anything, but his family likes to keep stuff.  A lot of it.  My husband has this same desire for stuff.  I, on the hand am a chucker.  I have very few items of sentimental attachment (although since having children these items have grown in number).  I am happy to toss stuff I haven’t used in six months.  I feel good passing stuff along to others who might need it.  I never ask myself, “might I use this in the next decade”?  My home library collection and a lot of our movies have been donated to our local library.   I figure they can store it better than I can and checking out books is free with my membership.  I have a bag of too small-clothes always on the go  for friends with younger daughters than my own.  It’s just what I know.

Blending my husbands need to keep and my need to chuck often causes stress and trauma for us both.  He feels the need to hang onto empty glass gars just in case he has screws and nuts and bolts to fill it one day.  He likes to keep dowels of varying size just in case we make a kite instead of buying one.  And don’t even get me started on how many rolls of mostly finished Christmas wrapping paper we have stored under our bed! 

Over the course of our 13 years together I have whittled my husband down to a couple of rubber made storage bins.  Whatever is most precious to him he can keep, as long as they fit in the bins.  I don’t have any more stuff myself though.  Together we have stuff he won’t let me toss.  A broken bike he plans on fixing.  Roller blades that have needed new stoppers for 13+ years that he will definitely fix one of these days (did I mention we live in a village with gravel roads?).  And mostly I am okay with it.  I do worry a bit though when I conclude that I will NEVER be able to park my car in my garage.

Today was our last day of holidays from Christmas.  Today was our last day to sit around and continue our sloth-like behaviour.  Instead we cleaned.  We argued.  We hid items of importance from each other.  Me to toss, Steve to keep.  It was a long day.  It was a victory for me today though.  I amassed three bags of garbage and two of donations.  I think Steve would consider today a win too.  He has a clean jar with a lid on his nightstand (that he will forget about in a week and I will toss) and a wooden dowel in the closet (which he will forget about in two weeks and I will toss) for future kite making. 

My outer life is clean and my inner happiness is buzzing.  I am sure Steve would have rather had a root canal today than help me de-clutter our lives, but he was a trooper.  I couldn’t have gotten it all done without him.  Not everyone finds their happiness like I do.  And again, I remind you, I know people who laugh at what I consider ‘clean’.  But perception is reality right?

Shhhh….Quiet Time

A new year is here and what am I thinking about?  Being quiet.  Truthfully, I am not a very quiet person.  I do wish to be though.  In so many different ways I am seeking quietness.

1.  Speak less.  Okay, well maybe not less, but work on saying on the things that are important.  I mean, who really needs to hear every little thought that comes popping out of my head?  That’s what the blog is for maybe?

2.  Speak softer.  There are two ways to read this and both are on my list of things to do.  Firstly I want to tone down the volume of my voice in my house.  My kids are loud.  My husband watches TV loudly. There are days when it feels like I am screaming all the time.  I don’t want to scream.  I don’t want to shout. I don’t want to kick my heels up. I want more quiet.  The second part of speaking softer is choosing softer words when speaking to others.  I am going to work on smoothing out my tongue.  Too many barbs.

3.  Less noise all over my life.  My life, like most everyone’s is very noisy.  There are TVs and computers and phones and radios and kids and animals and the list can go on and on, of all the things that make noise and disrupt and distort our inner voice.  I don’t really know how it will work but I have the intention to unplug and silence some of my daily life.  I will let you know how that goes.

My friend Amber had a wonderful idea last year to think of a word, rather than a resolution.  I liked her idea so much I am trying it on for size this year.  2012 – the year of quietness.  How about you.  Do you have a word or a resolution for 2012?

I.U. Did!

For almost a year I have been the proud owner of an IUD.  And mostly things are great.  Mostly.  There are still times where I can feel the sucker in a very uncomfortable manner.  But those times are less and less frequent as time  passes.  Almost all of the time I don’t notice a thing.  My periods arent’ gone, but they are less.  Sort of.  I wish they were gone all the way. 

Over the year I have recommended an IUD to many friends and family. All in all, I really like mine.  I don’t need it for birth control so  I can’t comment on how wonderful that aspect of it is.  I do have an abnormal bleed issue and it has helped tremendously in that regard.

When I was younger I never considered an IUD as an option for birth control.  Mostly because the whole idea of an IUD was sort of creepy.  Always the image of a baby with a wire thing growing in its skull.  Yuck.  I asked for the pill.  And the pill is what I got.  Being a bit older, and done having babies, I didn’t really seriously consider the pill as an option for myself.  I didn’t want to be bothered by one more thing I had to add to my already jam-packed mommy schedule, even if it was just popping a tiny pill.  And honestly, I am happy with my choice.  This puppy can last me another four years and it is doing its job at keeping me from bleeding to death (or at least that’s what I imagined was happening to me last winter).   Without this wonderful little contraction my life would not be the same.  A partial hysterectomy was looming in my future.  Now though, I see clear skiies and happy sailing ahead.  No surgery necessary.  Thank you IUD.

More for 2012

It has been a very long time since I have mused out loud any of the thoughts running rampant in my head.  Mostly I have been swamped making chocolates and prepping for Christmas. But, the holidays have come and gone and the chocolates are on hiatus for now and that gives me a moment or two to refocus and re-evaluate on the coming year and what has transpired over 2011.

Things I have learned in 2011

1.  You can’t make other people participate in your life….and you can’t keep being hurt by their actions, or inactions as it would be.  You just have to move on….alone.

2.  Appreciate your friends and the family you like and love more.  Tell them thank you more.   Tell them you love them. 

3.  Kids don’t get easier as they get older.  They get different.  It’s just as hard today as it was six years ago, I am just doing it on more sleep.

4.  A little bit of kindness can go along way.  And your children are watching you.

My goal is to take the things I learned in 2011 and really put them into use in 2012.  Normally I am big on resolutions.  I have, in years past shared my resolutions throughout the year and the progress I made or didn’t make on them.  I am not going to do that this year though.  There really isn’t one thing I want to really work on more than anything else.  My friend Dustin often talks about a life of abundance, of wanting more.  And, in way, that’s what I would like too.  I want more for my relationships. I want more for my children. I want more for others.  I want to be more and do more.  How that looks I am not too sure, but I am sure that you will be hearing all about it as the days of 2012 roll on.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Trois Belles Confections

I am sorry I have fallen on the face of the earth again!  It has been a very adventurous fall for me!  Last summer a very good friend of mine presented me with an offer to make some chocolates with her and another friend of ours, and sell them for Christmas.  The goal was to make some money for ourselves and chocolates for our friends and family for the holidays.  All of us being stay at home moms, thought this was a wonderful idea.  And boy has it been!  And so was the birth of Trois Belles Confections!

Fast forward a couple of months and Trois Belles if full steam ahead on chocolate making and marketing.  I have to say, I am in love with chocolate making.  Of course, I love chocolate.  But, surprisingly, now have little desire to treat myself as often as I once did.  I also love spending time in the kitchen in any fashion.  It’s just an extra perk to share the time and space with such a great friend and business partner. 

Trois Belles has been met with wonderful response.  We are a hit!  And it feels and looks like Trois Belles will be full steam ahead though Christmas and into wedding season!  A year ago I never would have thought I would be making chocolate!  Needless to say, my time is occupied by chocolate at the moment.  Between making the chocolate, sourcing quality supplies, marketing and selling, I am happily run off my feet.  But, I have missed sharing with you all.  And feel horrible for being so neglectful. 

So, in the next couple of days Trois Belles will be on-line with a virtual store (www.troisbelles.ca).  We will be all over central Alberta in the next few weeks as well.  And, for the next five weeks we will be at the Castle Downs Farmers Market.  So, if you are in the mood for some chocolate or want to shop local for the holidays (we ship too), please let me know or check Trois Belles on facebook or visit our website or come on out and meet us in person!

Fall

In my little village, Fall is here and Winter won’t be too far behind.  When I woke up yesterday my world was white.  A heavy fog had settled in and made itself at home all day.  In front of my house there is the most wonderful tree.  It is the last tree to leaf out late in the year, but it is also one of the last trees to lose its orange halo in the fall.  I love my tree.  I love that it’s huge and full and it dances in the wind and throws shadows all over my living room in the morning sun.

My tree that I love so much.

At some point in every day, I sit in my living room and look at this tree.  I watch it move.  I watch it change from green to yellow to orange.  I watch it bud out and I watch it shed and in the winter I watch it sparkle with frost.  This tree holds finches and magpies and squirels.  All of whom entertain me throughout the year.  This tree is magic to me. 

 

A crisp Fall walk.

On our walk this morning, there were leaves crunching under our feet.  Our cheeks were quickly red.  Our hands found warmth in our pockets.  Fall is most definitely upon us. And most assuredly, winter is nipping on its heels.  Recently my aunty lamented on her loathing of Fall.  It’s her least favorite time of year I assume.  For me, it’s the opposite.  I love everything about Fall.  I love the weather, the warm clothes, the change of food, the crispness of the air, the anticipation of winter, the holidays to come.  I wait all year for the start of this season. And I make sure I take the time to appreciate every moment of it.

First Look

The other night I was sitting scrolling through a friends pictures on Facebook.  I was looking at the pictures of his daughters birth three years ago.  My friend and his wife are expecting another blessing in the coming year.  And as I came across the picture of his wife holding her very new-born baby in her arms I was struck by the look on her face.  It is so full of love I can virtually feel it coming through my computer.  Oh the rapture she must have felt in those first moments of holding her new baby.  And then just as suddenly I was struck with my own memories of holding my own daughters in the moments after their births. 

The first time I held my oldest daughter Emma I was panicked.  She was wiggling and screaming and it was very overwhelming.  But that moment passed and I looked at my daughter and the world stood still for a moment.  I was instantly tied to this little person and she had my heart in her hands.  I was hers .  I fell instantly and deeply in love with my daughter in those moments.  It changed me at my core. 

When my second daughter Hannah was born I felt like a pro.  It was only a mere 14 months after Emma, but this time Hannah was calm and quiet and we spent a great deal of time taking each other in.  Like the first time, I fell head over heels in love with Hannah.  Another tie to another person.  I was lost all over again.  But I didn’t care!

I still look at my children the same way.  I still feel the jolt of love for them all the time.  The tie is still there.  It’s longer now.  My children are moving further away from me each day.  But, I know from personal experience, the tie never severs.  And when my friend holds her second baby in her arms she will look the same way, drinking her new baby in, as she did three years ago with her first.  It’s a mothers love. 

Happy Birthday – A Month And A Bit Later!

It was my birthday a little over a month ago.  I turned 35.  It’s funny now, I have to do the math to figure out my actual age.  As a kid I would marvel at adults who couldn’t remember exactly how old they were.  Now, I am one of those adults.  As long as I remember the year, 1976, I will be okay. 

Tonight I am going to celebrate my birthday.  Back to school time is always hectic amongst my social set.  Some are still holidaying, some are frantic like myself.  So this year I postponed my celebration till tonight.  Tonight, I am going to shake my hips and dance the night away.  Right now, at 8 am it feels very far off and I sort of feel like I might be too tired to really enjoy myself.  But, once I am in the action, I am going to have a blast. I know it!  Thankfully my husband Steve is a willing dance partner.  So what that he looks like a Blue Man without the blue.  He shakes his money-maker with the best of them!  And I couldn’t be more happy to shake mine right along with his. 

Birthdays have meant less and less as the years have gone on. No real fuss or muss is made over them - for Steve and I at least….our kids are a different story!  I have a cake and a nice supper with my family.  At some point my dad remembers and we go out too.  My phone rings with birthday wishes and my Facebook page is full of happy birthdays!  But, the day rolls on generally, without much thought.   And I am good with how it is. How about you?  How do you mark another year?