Post PPD

It was about a year ago that I started to feel really good.  I mean, the PPD wasn’t ruling my life anymore and I was having so many more good days compared to the bad.  When I think back to what having postpartum depression has been like it is hard to put it all together.  The lows were so low I am thankful I didn’t hurt my children or myself and that my marriage is still intact.  But, it is sort of like labour in the sense that the images and memories are sort of fuzzy around the edges.

I am not ashamed of any part of my journey.  Of course, there are things I said that I wish I could take back, ways I treated people too.  I just hope that if I ever make a return trip, I will have learned a thing or two. 

Lift post ppd is good.  It is true what they say about ‘happiness’ - needing to experience ‘sadness’ to appreciate all the good and happy things in the world.  Gina, one of my many supports over this journey asked the group one day, what gift, having ppd had given us.  At the time I thought she was crazy…craier than even me! Now, I think having ppd has granted me the ability to really and truly be empathetic to those suffering with mental illness.  I often said that if I had cancer, people would have seen that in me and immediately they would have been there for support and understanding.  But, most people don’t understand or believe in mental illness and therefore, can’t be there to support and understand.  So, after living with it and having mental illness be such a big part of my life, I tend to look at others suffering in a different light.  My heart goes out to those who struggle as well as the family who love them.  It is a very challenging road to travel and very lonely too.

I have seen the worst and lowest parts of myself.  I know what I am at my base, and alot of me isn’t pretty.  But, knowing who I am is helpful for me to live better and more present in my every day.  Alot of people don’t know what their lowest, or breaking point is and that can be scarey.  I also know that I can come back, and I can get better, if I ever get sick again.  I know that my family loves me and is there for me, just like they have been in the past.  I know just how loved and how lucky I am, something else alot of people don’t really know about themselves.  I also know that if my daughters struggle with their own child bearing and raising years, I can love them the way they will need to be loved.  Those are my gifts.   They may not seem like much, but they are priceless to me.

I have encouraged you in the past to open up and learn about mental illness and I do the same today.  If you know someone who is walking this road, love them, support them, accept them.  I have learned that you don’t have to understand mental illness to accept it and believe that it is present.  People you pass on the street who look less desirable, they may be suffering from mental illness and they too need your kindess.  Mental illness is horrible in the sense that you can’t see that it is there most of the time.  It does make your life lonely and make you feel isolated.

It is hard to believe that the past 36 months belong to me.  As the memories come, it sort of feels like I am watching a movie of someone else’s life, not my own.  I have a smile on my face right now though and that is what is most important!