I have learned that I am an emotional parent.  As an adult, I am not big on crying.  But, as a parent, my kids bring me to tears often.  I guess I realised this a long time ago.  Mckenzi was running in a city-wide indoor track meet and her race was one of those magic moments.  It brought tears to my eyes to see her run her race.  She was fantastic and I looked a fool.  She really isn’t even my child and I was bawling.  Of course, Steve was proud too and shedding his own tears that afternoon.

Yesterday Emma and I went to watch the Nutcracker performed by the Alberta Ballet.  The performance was held at the Northern Jubilee Auditorium and it was magical for both Emma and myself.  I have never had the chance to see the Nutcracker live, so it was a first for both of us, and hopefully we will make it an annual Christmas tradition.  It was so much fun to watch Emma experience a live performance for the first time.  It was the same with Mckenzi when I took her to her first concert, Sarah McLaughlin. They both were wide-eyed and in awe of their surroundings.

Of course, I got all mushy when the lights dimmed and the dancing started.  Emma was so thrilled she grabbed onto my hand and laid her head on my shoulder.  She kept insisting that the Snow Queen was really magic because her sleigh moved on and the stage without horses.  She kept insisting that it was magic that the snow was only falling on the stage, and not the rest of us.  I just though the whole thing was magic.

I was a little nervous that a four-year old might not be able to sit through a two-hour ballet, but she managed with very little problems.  I was nervous that the freezing cold weather yesterday might have put a damper on things.  But, nothing went wrong.  Everything went right.  The whole day was magic from start to finish.

December can be a bitch!  For alot of people, the holiday season can be rough, me included.  In the past I have struggled with meeting all the obligations I felt heaped on my shoulders.  There were many holidays I haven’t relished.  This year is different though.  I have been trying for many years to just let it all go.  This year, I think I might have  finally figured it all out though.

In years past I have struggled with my desire to be with my family.  My family consists only of my father really.  In reality, this shouldn’t be such a hard task.  Unfortunately, in a blended family, this hasnt’ always been the case.  I can’t say that I will ever be able to spend the holidays (any of them) with my dad ever again.  I sure hope so.  But, I am working on healing the hurt this causes.

This year we have decided to spend the holidays with friends.  I am not even cooking!  We will sit down at anothers table and share our meal as a pseudo-family.  I am actually a little excited about this.  I immensely enjoy the company of my holiday supper mates.  I know we will have a great time breaking bread together.  I know I will be a little  sad still.  Sad for me – sad for the family I don’t have.  Sad for my children who haven’t yet spent a holiday with their grandparents.  At the same time I am happy that I am growing my friend family.  I am happy my children and my spouse and I will be all be together.   And, I am working on being okay with the lack of blood family in our lives over the holidays.    

How about you, are you spending the holidays with friends or family?

Just when I think I have this whole parenting thing down, my kids go and change the rules to the game.  They change-up their attitude and reactions, toss in some tantrums and screams and here I am, back to square one.  And the thing is, my seemingly endless back of tricks is running out.  Although I enjoy likening myself to Mary Poppins, her carpet-bag was much more interesting than my own.

Last night was the middle of the week.  Hump day as my mom like to call it.  My week has felt more like a mountain than a hump.  Emma is four.  And, according to countless websites, should be growing out of tantrums.  If this is the case I am screwed, because my kid is growing into them.  I think I was a bit cocky in thinking I was a pro at baby raising.  Well, at least pretty accomplished.  After the past couple of days, I think I need my training wheels put back on.

So, what do I do know?  How do I help my child and myself all at the same time?  How do I nip this in the bud enough to make it so effective Emma’s behaviour does not infect Hannah?  Although I have watched enough Nanny 911 to understand how the concept of a reward chart works, I have never really wanted to use on in our house.  I want my children to act responsibly because it is the right thing to do, not because they are counting the stickers for a toy or treat.  But now, I am not so sure that this might not be worth a try at least.  I want to encourage positive behaviour in my children and not punish the negative.  If you have managed to do this, how?  I am open to any and all suggestions.

“More sleep”, is what my doctor told me.  Hmmmm.  I don’t know how to do that.  Isn’t there something you can give me for that?  When the doctor asked me if I have been tired lately, how could I tell him, yes, for four and a half years?  When he asked me if I am more tired now than I was six months ago, how could I tell?  I an always tired. 

 Having RA ( rhematoid arthritis ) means that some part of me is hurting all of the time.  I have been living with diagnosis for coming on three years, so I am getting pretty good at living with the hurt.  But, somedays weeks are worse than others.  So, after a very long appointment with my wonderful rheumatologist at the U of A, I was told to go home, and get more sleep.  Apparently, sleep is a cure all. 

Sleep, and sleeping well and deep, is apparently, something I don’t do often or well.  So this week, I am going to work my hardest at figuring out what it will take for me to get better, long periods of this precious elixir.  My first task is to work on really cutting down on my caffeine intake.  And, if you know me, this is a challenge.  But, I sick and tired of feeling sore and achy, so, kicking the caffeine to the curb is where it’s at.  A desireable side of effect of this is the shrinking of my ass.  Always a good thing in my books!  The second thing I am going to work on is meditating.  I used to mediate alot.  Mind you, I had friends that were a little strange and used to like to have out in cemetaries.  Not things I do now, and having to blank out my mind while still keeping enough senses going to make sure the kids don’t kill each other or light our house on fire will be a challenge in and of itself.  But, I am game.

Last night was my first attempt at getting more sleep.  It was very unsuccessful.  I got to bed before nine.  But due to parenting, I was dealing with children until just after 10.  In dealing with children I turned green like ‘The Hulk” and transformed into ‘angry mommy’.  I loath ‘angy mommy’ and so to work through my raging guilt, I cleaned my basement (and I mean cleaned it out well) and did loads of laundry until the wee hours of the morning.  So much for getting more deep sleep.  I think I slept from about 1 to 6, and in that time I need both hands to count how many times I woke up.  I think the cat might die in the attempts of my getting more sleep.  But, that is another post. 

I know I am not the only women in this little village I live in who sleeps like myself.  I am sure we could start our own little club, or tribe at least.  My goal is to be sleeping better by Christmas.  I am considering it my gift to myself.  How about you.  Do you get enough sleep?

Last night our sleepy little village came to like.  It was our annual Toy Bingo fundraiser event and it felt like most of the village showed up.  The funds from this years bingo went to our local library.  Which, now that I am on the library board, I am very aware of just how much money it takes to run a small library in rural Alberta…and just how lucky our little village is to have  library.

So, after a quick supper of nachos, I hugged and kissed my family good-bye, checked my wallet for cash and headed out the door.  Firstly, I was struck at just how lovely last night was.  It wasn’t too cool.  I was in capri’s and a sweater…and for those of you know about Alberta weather at the end of November…what I was wearing was amazing.  Thankfully, we live right in the village so I was able to get there on my own steam.  I wasn’t the only one walking though.  It honestly felt like I was living in a Normal Rockwell picture.  People were coming out of their homes.  I could smell smoke from chimney’s and back yard fire pits.  People were laughing and talking with one another as we all made our way to the local rec center.  If you living in a more urban environment you don’t often get to experience how dark it can be out in the country.  Even though it was just supper time, the sky was black and there were a zillion little stars shinning over head.  If I had never made it to the bingo, I was more than happy just being outside, taking it all in.

Our little rec center was packed with players ready to win some toys.  Bingo for toys is my kind of gambling.  I didn’t win anything, but my money was going to one of my favorite places in our village…the library.  It was nice to sit in a room with your village and know so many of the faces there.  It sort of felt like one big family.  I shared my table with a group of friends, none of us winners of toys.  We drank pops ate candy and dabbed and dabbed and dabbed the night away.  It was so much fun.

Last night was a blast for me.  This was my first time going to the Toy Bingo…..the last years I haven’t felt very much like being a part of this village.  Now though, things are different.  I am different.  The change has been great.  It is after nights like these, nights where my world is small and safe.  Where I can knock on my neighbours door to watch my sleeping kids while my friend lets me borrow her suv to drive my sitter home, that reconfirmed for me, why we moved out into the country.  Now, if I could just convince Panago’s to drive out here for delivery, my life would be perfect!

Marriage is tough.  Even if you aren’t married, but in a long term relationship, it is tough.  Alot of the conversations I have been having lately have revolved around the troubles in a relationship.  Personally, Steve and I have had our fair share of troubles.  Some days are great.  Some days are really bad.  Some of those really bad days sting together like a popcorn train on a Christmas tree.  But, we have managed and I believe we love each other and will continue to manage and make our marriage work. 

I certainly don’t think my marriage is the bees knees by any stretch of the imagination.  From what I have been hearing, my complaints and struggles, they seem to be the standard when it comes to beefs and bitches.  Often I don’t feel heard.  I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.  I feel underappreciated.  Sometimes it feels like intimacy is a bargaining tool or weapon.  I often feel like I am on a totally different page than Steve.  Make that different book!  I am pretty sure Steve wishes I nagged less and demanded less from him.  I wonder if he feels like he can’t ever really live up to my expectations and standards.  I know for sure that some days, he wishes I would just shut up!

Like motherhood, I think there is a false blanket that is layed over a relationship to hide the hard and ugly truths of it.  I don’t think this helps anyone out.  Actually, I think it makes us feel more alone and more unsure of what to do to make our relationships better.  Pretending like everything is perfect isn’t doing anyone any favours. 

I think my marriage is normal.  Steve has always been my best friend.  Thankfully, when the days are really tough I do my best to remember I married my friend.  I think all the little things we go through in our relationships are normal.  No one is alone.  Although I wish my friends and confidants the best in their relationships, it is really nice to have them open up and be so honest about their own struggles.  It helps to know that Steve and I aren’t freaks.  Well, maybe we are.  But, that just means everyone we know are freaks too!

This morning I had a blast being a mother.  More often than not, my days are full of very unglamorous things.  Dishes, sweeping, cooking, cleaning, laundering, wiping, refereeing, shuttling and the list goes on and on and on.  But, this morning I packed my girls up and we hit the road.  We ventured out for breakfast on our own.  We turned in our empty bottles for cash and we managed to navigate the grocery store for over an hour to complete our endless list of groceries to buy.  We gassed up and even managed to zip through the line at Tim Horton’s for Steve’s morning (or afternoon as it were today) pick me up.

I have reached the light at the end of the oh so long tunnel I have been traveling though this past four plus years.  And, it feels good to be in the light.  I honestly didn’t think I would ever reach this day.  I thought my life with children would be an endless carnival of ups and downs and misadventures.  Please don’t  get me wrong, my life is still pocked marked with days of chaos, but they just don’t seem so bad now.  Maybe my motherhood skin is just thick enough to handle this life.  Maybe my children have softened me up just enough to make me ripe enough to deal.  Whatever the case may be, I am happy to report that I finally feel like I know what I am doing in this gig of motherhood.

Some of my friends shudder when I share with them the adventures of mothering my children.  My oh so energetic, enthusiastic children.  My dad often comments that he has no idea how I am not ‘more crazy’ than I apparently am.  Some times I wonder and shudder too.  But mostly I am just thankful that they are mine, crazy and all.  No child is perfect and no parent is spot on either.  It definitely is a learning process for all involved.  I figure after this past four years I have at least earned my degree in motherhood.  That means by the time the girls are teenagers, I will be well past my phd and should be able to outsmart, outlast and out play them…or am I confusing motherhood with survivor?

The choice to vaccinate your self and your child is a personal choice.  I don’t think there is a right or wrong option to this choice.  You need to do what is right for you and your family – no judgements here.

Steve and I made the choice when we had the girls, to vaccinate them.  They are up to date on all of their shots, as well as the current H1N1 vaccine that was made available this month.  It was this last one that was the tricky one for us.  Do it, don’t do it?  There has been so much information out there, so much of it contradictory.  It was very hard to wade through the slew to come up with the right choice for our family.  Well, eventually we choice to have our children vaccinated, and today, I am happy we did.

Earlier this week Hannah became very ill, very suddenly.  Within a matter of a few hours she spiked a high fever and suffered breathing troubles.  Troubles enough to land her in the hospital.  After a good watch, chest xrays and starting Tamiflu medication, we were sent home.  Her recovery has been speedy wonderful.  It was frightening to see my daughter become so sick so quickly and with no indications that trouble was on its way.  She was sick in 0 to 60!

Now that she is out of the woods and feeling better, I am happy with my decision to vaccinate our children.  I knew before the vaccination that getting it wouldn’t mean that my children couldn’t still get sick…just that if they did, it wouldn’t be as bad for them.  Thankfully, this held true.  I can’t say what course Hannah’s infection would have run had she not had her vaccination.  But, I can say that I am glad we didn’t have to try that out.

Of course, Hannah is the only one in our house to have been affected, so far.  I can’t say that if the rest of us get sick, our recovery will be as swift.  Steve and myself haven’t been able to get our vaccination yet…and we plan on doing that as soon as we can.  I just have to keep knocking on wood to keep it out of my system for now.

This was just my experience.  Like I mentioned before, there is no judgement here if you chose not to vaccinate yourself or your family.  I hope you have a healthy cold and flu season, and if you do get sick, I hope you recover as quickly as my Hannah did.

There are some days where I feel very proud of myself.  I feel accomplished as a parent and as a woman.  It isn’t like this every day, but when these days run from one to another, I feel bliss.

More and more often I look at my kids and realise that I must be doing something right.  Now, please let me just say, that what is right for me and for my family isn’t ‘right’, but right just for us.  I didn’t always feel this way.  I used to wonder if I would ever be able to enjoy a meal in a restaurant, one without and indoor play area that is.  I used to dream about days where I wouldn’t break into a sweat just trying to get out the door.  There were days where I would look at my children and wonder if the things I was doing as a parent would screw them up so badly they would end up being horrible little girls.  I have doubted myself and my ability to parent so much in the past that I would lay awake at night worrying alot of the time.  But things are coming alright now and I can definitely see the light at the end of our tunnel.

I certainly don’t think I am perfect as a parent.  I do however, feel like I have earned my scars and badges in the trenches of motherhood.  I can diagnos alot of rashes and can tell the difference between a whiney cry and a scared cry.  I can whip up a meal in a minute and I have a whole list of crafts sorted in my brain to pull out on a whim.  With one look I can silence my child (most of the time) and if the look doesn’t work, counting to three will definitely do the trick.  My children don’t like me after I say ‘three’ and will do just about anything to avoid that word.  I can read my kids very well and am not too surprised at their reactions to situations we find ourselves in.  I am not afraid of my children and I am not afraid of taking them out and about in the adult world.  Not that I always enjoy those times, or they are always easy.  But, we manage and mostly we succeed.

I feel comfortable in my role as mother.  It has been a long time coming too.  Emma is over four now and Hannah will be three in a month.  I don’t really have babies anymore.  Now, they are little girls.  I have friends just having babies and it seems like so long ago.  Really, a handful of years isn’t alot of time, but in the world of mother it is a lifetime.  So many things have changed in our lives.  I am certainly not the same woman I was before children.  In fact, I didn’t consider myself a woman then.  I was more a young married girl, playing and being selfish.  I remember who I was, but I don’t relate to her much at all.

Today, I know who I am, and who I am not.  I am good with me.  Of course, I have dreams yet to tackle, as well as laundry, but those will happen in their own time.  For now, I am going to love my children and keep honing my skills as mother.  Hear me roar…or count to three!

Life ebbs and flows alot.  Some times are great, some are really horrible.  This past week has been part of the horrible.  I have shared alot of my ups and down with ppd, child raising and the like.  I have shared the good times with my spouse, but never really the bad.  Oh, and we have bad.  I think all marriages do.  If you don’t admit it, you are lying to yourself.

I think I have come to the conclusion that most marriages function the same.  At least, my experiences with my friends and the people I meet seem to have similar relationships.  My biggest bitch with my spouse revolves around our laundry baskets and his inability to use them.  Apparently, I am not the only wife out there who bitches about this.  Just knowing that I am not the only wife out there who feels like this helps.

This past week has been particularly difficult for us.  Of course, problems build up and build up and we find ourselves projectile vomiting transgressions past and not really getting to the issues at hand.  This week saw the first time in 7 + years of marriage and almost 10 years of being together, one of us sleeping in another bed…happily.  It was only one night and things are better, but still, it was frightening.

I think I forgot for a second just how hard marriage is and that I needed to actually work at it to make it healthy and well.  I think my life picked up here in this little village and I got lazy in my marriage.  I am not the only guilty party here, it takes two to tango so they say. 

I have no idea how to fix the problems in any marriage, let alone mine.  I know that our problems aren’t unique.  I know most marriages struggle to make it.  I also know that I want mine to work more than anything.  I think for a bit I forgot that I wanted my marriage to work as well as my family to stay together.  Those two things are separate.  I think I was spending too much time on the ‘family’ and not enough time on the ‘marriage’.  I getting myself in order. 

This is just one more challenge I can add to my list.   Right at the top though.  Teaching to tie shoe laces and knitting lessons certainly come after this one!