The Painful Act of Letting Go

Learning how to forgive is a life long process I think.  Just when I feel have it mastered, I am presented with an experience that has me questioning and doubting myself.  I have written in the past about learning to ‘let go’ as a new years resolution and mostly I have that down.  I am much less ‘flappable’ than my younger self.  I know that age and human experience have played a large part in this process.

I guess I sort of figured that I was more zen than I have been feeling the last couple of days.  In my cockiness I didn’t think there was anything that could make me feel so unraveled.  Luckily though, these feelings have been fleeting, and other than intense anger initially, they seem to have flown through me and are now a thing of the past.  And maybe that’s the point – I can still have an immediate angry reaction to a situation.  It’s just that it won’t last as long nor will it have the negative effect on me it once would have.  I am growing up.  I am letting go.

Just A Little Poke In The Leg

My youngest daughter is coming eight this winter.  It was shortly after she was born that I was diagnosed with rheumatoid Arthritis.  I didn’t really understand it at the time what this diagnosis would mean or how it would change my life.  Over the years I have tried different medications and diets that were supposed to help with my condition.  None of them were the answer.  I am always amazed at how often people (well-meaning of course) offer suggestions and for the cure to my troubles.  Everything from eliminating sugar to bathing in apple cider vinegar to methotrexate.  I have given everything I tried a fair shake.  I even came to the conclusion this past year that I would just let it be.  I would eat healthy, exercise a lot and just let life happen as it was supposed to.  And then I changed my mind.  I went back to my specialist and we came up with a plan for me to try Enbrel.  It was so frightening for me to decide on.  It’s a pretty intimidating medication.  And I have to take by injection (self-administered).  By the time I came to the decision that I wanted to give it a try, and had seen my specialist to start the process of taking it, things happened very fast.  I am working with a great plan that administers the medication.  They have taken care of everything for me from arranging my insurance and planning how to pay for what isn’t covered, to setting up the nurse to come instruct me on how to give myself the injections.  It was a matter of a couple of days and I had my first injection.  No side affects and I was on my way to doing this weekly for myself.  I can say that the second injection was easier than the first.  Not only that, but there is already a change I am noticing.  What has taken all these years to do, should take about 3 months to undo with Enbrel.

I know that medication isn’t for everyone.  It is a personal choice for everyone to decide how they would like to treat their situation.  I want to keep being an active mom to my daughters.  I want to keep working and I want my marriage to thrive.  How these relationships would function were greatly affected by my condition.  Taking the step to treat my illness from a biological level was a big one.  And I haven’t been at it long enough to have a full opinion on how effective this medication is going to be for me.  If my brothers success with this medication is any indication (a couple of years later and he is great) then I will be golden.